Divorce After a Long-Term Marriage in Sonoma County: Your Starting To-Do List
When you've built a life with someone for 10, 20, or even 30+ years, considering divorce can come with a lot to think about.
Your home. Your finances. Your retirement. Your family. Your friendships. Your daily routine. Your future.
And then there’s the emotional side. You may be experiencing uncertainty, grief, fear, relief, or several emotions at once while also trying to figure out practical questions like: Where are our financial records? What accounts do we have? What does our household actually cost each month? Where do I even start?
If you're considering divorce after a long-term marriage in Sonoma County, you don't have to figure everything out at once.
Start with information. Get organized. Take inventory of the support you already have around you. And keep track of the questions you want answered.
Here’s a starting to-do list to help.
1. Start With Your Support System
Before getting into bank statements, property, and paperwork, take a moment to think about you.
Going through a major life change can feel isolating, particularly when you've shared a life with someone for decades. Knowing who and what you can turn to may help you feel more grounded as you navigate what's ahead.
Open the Notes app on your phone, grab a notebook, or create a page in your journal titled:
My Support Circle
Then ask yourself:
Who can I call when I need someone to listen?
Think about the people who allow you to talk without causing more stress.
Who can I call when I need practical help?
Maybe someone can help with childcare, transportation, meals, pets, errands, or simply accompany you when you don't want to do something alone.
Who helps me feel grounded?
This could be a friend, family member, therapist, counselor, community group, or someone who reminds you of who you are outside of what you're currently going through.
Who can help me answer professional questions?
Depending on your circumstances, your support circle may eventually include a family law attorney, CPA or tax professional, financial professional, therapist, or another resource.
Your support system doesn't have to be large. The purpose of this exercise is simply to remind yourself that you may have people and resources around you to lean on.
2. Make a “What Keeps Me Grounded?” List
Your support system isn't only made up of people.
Think about the routines, places, activities, and communities that help you feel more like yourself.
Fill in your own list:
A person I trust: __________
A place where I feel comfortable: __________
A routine that helps me feel grounded: __________
Something I enjoy doing for myself: __________
A community or group I can lean on: __________
A professional I can contact if I need additional support: __________
Something that reminds me I'm more than what I'm currently going through: __________
Keep this somewhere you can easily return to.
There will be plenty of practical things to think about. This list is a reminder to also make space for the parts of your life that help you stay connected to yourself.
3. Locate Your Financial Records
Now you can begin looking at some of the logistical
pieces.
After a long marriage, one spouse may have handled most of the household finances, or there may be accounts and records you haven't reviewed in years.
Start by identifying the financial information you already have access to and where those records are located.
Look for things such as:
Recent bank and savings account statements
Credit card statements
Mortgage and loan information
Recent tax returns
Pay stubs or other income information
Investment statements
Business-related financial records, if applicable
Consider creating one physical or digital folder for copies of financial documents you already have lawful access to.
The goal isn't to determine what you're legally entitled to or what will happen during a divorce. It's simply to understand what exists and identify what you still have questions about.
4. Make a List of What You Own—and What You Owe
You don't need to determine who gets what.
For now, create a basic inventory of the assets and debts you're aware of.
Your list might include:
Your home
Other real estate
Vehicles
Bank accounts
Investments
Retirement accounts
Pensions
Business interests
Credit cards
Personal loans
Mortgages
Other significant assets or debts
If you're unsure about something, don't guess. Add it to a “Questions I Need Answered” list for later.
5. Understand What Your Household Actually Costs
Do you know how much it currently costs to maintain your household each month?
After years of established routines, it's easy to underestimate how many expenses are happening automatically.
Review a few months of statements and look at expenses such as:
Mortgage or rent
Utilities
Groceries
Insurance
Healthcare
Transportation
Car payments
Phone and internet
Credit card and loan payments
Subscriptions
Child-related expenses
Other recurring costs
Look for automatic payments or expenses you may have forgotten about.
You don't need to build your entire future budget today, the purpose is to understand what your life costs right now.
6. Review Retirement Accounts and Pensions
For someone considering divorce after 20 years or more in California, retirement may be an important topic to understand.
Identify retirement assets that may exist, such as:
401(k)s
IRAs
Pensions
Employer-sponsored retirement plans
Investment accounts
Other retirement benefits
If you already have access to statements, consider keeping copies with your other financial information.
You don't need to determine how these accounts might be handled yourself. Instead, familiarize yourself with what's there and add any questions to your consultation list.
7. Gather Information About Your Home and Other Property
For many couples, the family home is one of their largest assets—and often one of the most emotional.
Gather basic information you already have access to.
Do you know:
Whose names are associated with the property?
Approximately when it was purchased?
Whether there's currently a mortgage?
Where the mortgage statements are kept?
Whether you own additional real estate?
Whether there are home equity loans or other obligations connected to the property?
If you aren't sure what something means for your circumstances, discuss it with a Sonoma County family law attorney.
8. Review Your Credit
When was the last time you looked at your credit report?
Reviewing your credit can help you better understand the accounts and debts associated with your name.
Look for accounts you recognize, current balances, jointly held debts, and anything you don't understand.
If something appears incorrect or unfamiliar, consider contacting the appropriate creditor or credit reporting agency for more information.
This exercise is about becoming informed—not automatically closing accounts, moving money, or making other significant financial changes.
9. Take Inventory of Insurance Policies and Beneficiaries
Make a list of your current insurance policies, including:
Health insurance
Life insurance
Auto insurance
Homeowners or renters insurance
Other significant policies
You may also want to familiarize yourself with where beneficiaries are currently listed on insurance policies and financial accounts.
Knowing how things are currently set up doesn't necessarily mean you should immediately make changes.
Instead, note what you don't understand and ask which changes, if any, may be appropriate to consider and when.
10. Locate Your Recent Tax Returns
Find your recent tax returns and consider keeping copies with your other financial records.
Tax questions can become more complicated when a marriage ends, especially when property, investments, businesses, or retirement assets are involved.
Rather than trying to answer tax-specific questions through an internet search, write them down.
Some questions may be appropriate for your family law attorney, while tax-specific questions may be better addressed by a CPA or qualified tax professional.
Knowing who to ask can be just as important as knowing what to ask.
11. Write Down Your Questions About Spousal Support
If you've been married for many years, spousal support in California may already be on your mind.
Instead of trying to predict what might happen based on a friend's divorce, social media, or an online calculator, focus on understanding the questions that apply to your circumstances.
You might want to ask:
How could the length of our marriage factor into the conversation?
What if one spouse earned significantly more?
What if one spouse stayed home or worked less during the marriage?
What financial information may be helpful to gather?
What factors may be relevant to our circumstances?
You don't need to know the answers before scheduling a consultation.
That's what your question list is for.
12. Create a “Questions I Need Answered” List
As you work through this checklist, you're probably going to discover things you don't know.
That's useful information, too.
Keep one running list of questions on your phone or with your documents.
It might include:
What happens to our house?
What should I understand about our retirement accounts?
What financial information am I missing?
What should I know about spousal support?
How might a long-term marriage affect the issues we need to discuss?
Are there financial changes I should avoid making before learning more?
What does the divorce process generally look like in Sonoma County?
What should I bring to my first consultation?
Should I also speak with a CPA or financial professional?
Is there anything else I should be gathering or keeping track of?
You don't need to research every question yourself. Bring the list with you when you speak with the appropriate professional.
13. Know Who Can Help With What
Divorce can bring up legal, financial, tax, and emotional questions. One person doesn't necessarily need to answer all of them.
Your broader support team may include:
A family law attorney: For questions about California family law, divorce, property, support, custody, and your individual legal circumstances.
A CPA or tax professional: For tax-specific questions and potential tax considerations.
A financial professional: For questions related to investments, retirement planning, budgeting, or your longer-term financial picture.
A therapist or counselor: For emotional support, as you navigate a significant life transition.
Trusted friends, family, or community: For the everyday support, that may help you feel less alone and more grounded.
The Sonoma County Superior Court Self-Help Center: For basic legal information, court procedures, forms, and available resources. The center provides information rather than individualized legal advice or legal strategy.
Building a support system isn't about having a huge team. It's about knowing who you can turn to when different questions or needs come up.
14. Be Cautious About Making Major Decisions Based on Someone Else's Divorce
A friend may tell you what happened in their divorce. Social media may tell you to immediately take a certain action. An online search may give you completely different information.
But your marriage isn't someone else's marriage.
This can be especially important after a long-term marriage involving years of accumulated property, retirement benefits, debt, income changes, family responsibilities, and other financial considerations.
Use educational resources to help you identify questions, not assume you already know the answers.
Before making significant decisions involving money, property, retirement, or other major issues, consider discussing your circumstances with the appropriate professional.
15. Start With What You Know
If you're considering divorce after a long-term marriage in Sonoma County, you may have a lot to think about—both practically and emotionally.
You don't have to organize decades of your life in one afternoon.
Start with what you know: Gather the records you already have access to.
Take inventory of your finances.
Understand your current expenses.
Write down your questions.
And don't forget the other list.
Who can you call? What helps you feel grounded? Where is your community? What support do you already have around you?
Keep your practical checklist close, but keep your support list close, too.
North Bay Family Law works with individuals and families navigating divorce and family law matters throughout Sonoma County and the Santa Rosa area.
If you're considering divorce after a long-term marriage and aren't sure where to begin, schedule a consultation with North Bay Family Law. Bring your questions, discuss your circumstances, and learn more about the California divorce process and the topics you may want to consider moving forward.
This article is provided for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, financial, tax, or mental health advice.